Maybe I'm getting old and cantankerous but last weekend, before Typhoid Week, I saw two of the worst films I've seen in a long time. The problem is that I feel like I "should" like both of them. They're both critically acclaimed and I like much of the directors' other work. Let me explain...

Kill Bill Vol. 1 is not a film. I'm sorry. It's just not. It's a series of really, really, really violent and interestingly shot vignettes. It's not unlike an artsy old Kung Fu movie which, let's face it, isn't an interesting premise. That is, unless it has heart and compelling story line (see Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon). But because it's Tarantino and because he was "forced" to splice his film we're supposed to just give him a pass. Nope. If I sat through a four-hour film that had no plot until the second half I'd be equally pissed. It's a piece of visual candy. Yes, I got that The Bride was whistling the theme from "Twisted Nerve." Yes, I wouldn't want to mess with Uma. That's about all I'm willing to give it. As a film it simply is, well, crap. Quentin simply dumps out his entire bag of tricks and we're supposed to just "ooh" and "ah." I'm sorry. I expect more from him.

Elephant It must have been a really, really crappy year in Cannes this year. Oh, wait. It was. This Gus Van Sant self-indulgent mess based on the Columbine tragedy must have just edged out Brown Bunny for the coveted Golden Palm. For over an hour we're slowly and methodically introduced to a handful of teens going about their high school lives. When I say slowly, I mean slooooooowly. I can best describe it as an attempt at poetic cinema verte. In one ten minute scene, for instance, we see one teen working in a darkroom and chatting to friends. Literally nothing happens. Nothing, that is, except waiting for the inevitable tragedy. But Van Sant simply glosses over and glorifies it. I won't give anything away, but I left felling like he had simply copped-out. I will give Elephant one thing, though. When I saw Van Sant's last film, Gerry, I was more interested in listening to the subway rumble under the Angelika. It was slightly more engaging. Slightly...