I rarely bother to watch even one minute of CMT. It's all glossy Nashville stuff that makes my ears bleed. Occasionally, though, I'll stop for a minute or two to see what videos they're playing. Today I caught the recap of their Top 20 Videos.

It contained the usual culprits. Too many pretty boys who just happen to own a cowboy hat (Tim McGraw, Keith Urban, Gary Allan, Billy Currington), some two-stepping pseudo-country duos (Brooks & Dunn, Montgomery Gentry), a couple of glossy country divas (Patty Loveless, Martina McBride) and even a few old hands trying to hold on (Willie, Dwight and Marty).

I was stopped in my tracks, though, by what I soon saw. I blinked. I blinked again. I closed my eyes hoping I was having a nightmare. I wasn't. I was staring straight at a two-headed monster that I thought could only exist in legend. The frightful sight? The dynamic duo of Alan Jackson and Jimmy Buffett. Alone their powers for evil are exceptional. Together, my friends, they cannot be stopped.

The collaboration, "It's Five O'Clock Somewhere," is one of the most disturbing pieces imaginable. It's a dreadful ode to daytime drunks. In a tune that could be exchanged with any in Buffett's frightening oeuvre, the boys sing about boats and hurricanes. It's been a tough morning, man, and the boss is getting on their nerves. They need a drink and decide to go get blitzed at lunch (and name-check Buffett's Margaritaville about twenty times). I mean, after all, it's five o'clock somewhere. And we wonder why our economy's in the crapper...

It's so abysmal that it literally makes me long for the jingoistic, borderline racist, anti-animal Toby Keith and Willie duet "Beer For My Horses." You don't want to get me started on that one. Trust me.