When I was a kid I used to get all worked up for the Grammy Awards. I haven't watched a single minute of the last few shows. This year, however, they're in NYC and I walked by The Garden earlier this afternoon while things were getting geared up. Limos were pulling up, people were jammed to see the red carpet arrivals, cops were everywhere.
I got a bit excited, too! Wow! The Grammys! Ok, maybe not.
I'm going to force myself to sit through them, damn it. And I'm going to give you a play-by-play. Kind of like a tape delayed Mystery Science Theater. How 'bout that?!
It's going to be hella long. Click more if you care to read. It should be fun, at least...
(Ed. The extended entry format is all screwed up and I don't have time to fix it right away. So... Here it be.)
8:01 - Simon & Garfunkel. oh... my... god... Paul Simon is so unhappy and so half dead. Art Garfunkel's once proud curly locks now look like Eraserhead. His once warbling falsetto now sounds like me in the shower. That was one of the most lackluster performances imaginable.
8:10 - "Bruce Springstreet." Tootsie's drunk, kids.
8:11 - No Doubt. They're a guilty pleasure but this ballad version of "Underneath It All" is a disaster. Oh, wait... Okay. I'm hating myself for watching this already. Gwen. You're built like a twelve year-old boy. Put some clothes on fer chrissake.
8:15 - The first band I've never heard of but certainly not the last. Bowling For Soup?
8:16 - Gwen's wearing one glove. Lovely. Clearly she's got MJ Fever just like the rest of America. Jimmy Iovine is the devil. Don't thank him.
8:17 - Norah Jones really does have an amazingly timeless voice. It's just, well, boring. Poor thing looks like she's about to pee herself, though.
8:26 - Somebody shoot Kylie. Please? And please let Brittany win.
8:27 - Gosh. It's shocking. People perform and then win? What are the odds? Norah's not gonna thank her Dad, is she? Nope.
8:28 - Declan in the haaaaaus.
8:30 - Faith Hill is about as country as Ted Nugent. Is that a dress or a cocktail napkin?
8:39 - I still refuse to believe that Paul Schaffer has produced offspring.
8:40 - Wait, wait, wait. This is Vanessa Carlton? I thought this was Michelle Branch. She's like a adolescent Tori Amos.
8:42 - John Mayer makes me violent. I swear he's the evil spawn of Dave Matthews and David Grey. Does he speak English? "You bitachlish wonderland?" Ich bin ein sick.
8:45 - I'm starting to appreciate James Taylor in my old age. Maybe it's only because sooner or later my hairline will match his. Yo Yo Ma is a whore, though.
8:49 - Okay. I seriously had no clue that he was saying "your body is a wonderland." Wait. He just thanked Michael McDonald. That explains everything. "Ya Mo Be There." The prosecution rests.
8:52 - Ha! P. was diddled that Eminem won, wasn't he? Who's the lost ponytail dude behind the Em posse? His accountant, perhaps? Bruce White?
8:58 - There's is no way in hell that Stevie Nicks is Queen Latifah's "girl."
8:59 - I'll say it again. The short Dixie Chick is shrinking. Only her hair is growing. What the hell is around the mandolin player's neck?
9:03 - How I love you, Herbie Hancock.
9:05 - Performance = win yet again. Go figure. There really was no chance that Willie was going to win, was there?
9:06 - Ha!!! Elvis did come with Diana Krall. You go, Declan!
9:12 - Nice work, John Leguizamo. Compound mispronouncing Leonard Bernstein's name with some really offensive Jewish impersonations.
9:20 - Quick! Chris Martin from Coldplay's having a seizure!! You do have to love that he still was behind his rickety Yamaha upright in front of the Philharmonic, don't ya?
9:28 - Rod Stewart, a drag queen and a dog. Isn't this an urban legend?
9:29 - There's a world where Robin Williams is actually funny. Unfortunately only he lives there.
9:37 - Well, Doc Watson won but Johnny, Steve Earle, Patti Griffith and the Chieftans lost to fucking Nickle Creek's pop bluegrass. Sigh...
9:45 - Is it possible that the Band-Aid interferes in some way with Nelly's ability to enunciate? You got to hand it to him, though. Anybody who could have a huge hit with this dreck has to know something that I don't.
9:49 - Fred Durst, eloquent diplomat for peace.
9:58 - Robin yet again on his own planet.
10:00 - I love Springsteen, I love "The Rising." All I want to know is when do I get my invite to join the E Street Band. What's he got now? Eight guitarists? Poor Clarence has the horn there but it's just a prop. One of these days I swear Little Steven is just gonna plant a big one on the Boss. Has anybody ever seen Kathy Griffin and Patti in the same place?
I really wanted to see this tour. He's coming back to the area. Three nights at Giants Stadium. I think not...
10:05 - SWEEEEEET hair! I always wondered what was under Erykah Badu's hair wrap thing. I figured that it was her lunch or something. Little did I know...
10:07 - Bruce was robbed, man. "Don't Know Why" is a nice song. It's not Song of the Year caliber. Then again, the fact that Alan Jackson was nominated for his jingoistic theme says volumes about the Grammys.
10:17 - Making fun of Ashanti seems really mean. Only one problem. She sounds awful.
10:20 - Cyndi Lauper still goes to the Grammys? Never give up on your dreams, Cyndi. Time after time...
10:22 - I'm getting delirious and not in a good way...
10:24 - Ed Bradley?! The Bee Gees? 'N Sync? Wow. Now this is a train wreck with teeth!! Justin as Barry! Lance as Robin! Everyone deliciously awful and off key!
10:39 - Em with the Roots. Clearly he's not comfortable fronting a band. This song is so awful. What's his shirt say? Free Yayo? I don't think I even want to know...
10:44 - Oh my god. Oh my god. What's Aretha wrapped up in?
10:47 - Is it just me or was the "you just watch her" comment about Norah creepy?
10:55 - I must be getting really delirious. I'm almost enjoying this Sheryl Crow/Kid Rock disaster.
10:58 - Alicia Keys appears to be going to Keith Richards' hairstylist. Grammy appears to have choosen Norah Jones to have a Santana and Bonnie Raitt-like landslide. Boring twits...
11:02 - Now I'm drinking.
11:08 - I seriously still can't believe that Michael Bloomberg is the major of NYC.
11:09 - I can die happy now. EC. Bruce. "London Calling." I have no words.
Well, that's not entirely true. I have a few words. I always have a few words. I thought EC and the Boss sounded amazing. I thought Dave Grohl was a fine addition. I wanted to put a muzzle firmly in the yap of Little Steven. Talk about out of place. Wait! I just remembered that Pete Thomas was supposed to be on drums but I didn't even notice! Was that him? Crap!
11:24 - EC always looks so uncomfortable presenting, doesn't he? Springsteen better win, damn it.
11:25 - Grammy has no imagination. Seriously. There has to a chosen one every year. Shoulda been Bruce. It was Norah. Boring.
Well, thus ends this little experiment. Hopefully it was at least a bit amusing. Don't count on it happening again. The Grammys suck.
8:01 - Simon & Garfunkel. oh... my... god... Paul Simon is so unhappy and so half dead. Art Garfunkel's once proud curly locks now look like Eraserhead. His once warbling falsetto now sounds like me in the shower. That was one of the most lackluster performances imaginable.
8:10 - "Bruce Springstreet." Tootsie's drunk, kids.
8:11 - No Doubt. They're a guilty pleasure but this ballad version of "Underneath It All" is a disaster. Oh, wait... Okay. I'm hating myself for watching this already. Gwen. You're built like a twelve year-old boy. Put some clothes on fer chrissake.
8:15 - The first band I've never heard of but certainly not the last. Bowling For Soup?
8:16 - Gwen's wearing one glove. Lovely. Clearly she's got MJ Fever just like the rest of America. Jimmy Iovine is the devil. Don't thank him.
8:17 - Norah Jones really does have an amazingly timeless voice. It's just, well, boring. Poor thing looks like she's about to pee herself, though.
8:26 - Somebody shoot Kylie. Please? And please let Brittany win.
8:27 - Gosh. It's shocking. People perform and then win? What are the odds? Norah's not gonna thank her Dad, is she? Nope.
8:28 - Declan in the haaaaaus.
8:30 - Faith Hill is about as country as Ted Nugent. Is that a dress or a cocktail napkin?
8:39 - I still refuse to believe that Paul Schaffer has produced offspring.
8:40 - Wait, wait, wait. This is Vanessa Carlton? I thought this was Michelle Branch. She's like a adolescent Tori Amos.
8:42 - John Mayer makes me violent. I swear he's the evil spawn of Dave Matthews and David Grey. Does he speak English? "You bitachlish wonderland?" Ich bin ein sick.
8:45 - I'm starting to appreciate James Taylor in my old age. Maybe it's only because sooner or later my hairline will match his. Yo Yo Ma is a whore, though.
8:49 - Okay. I seriously had no clue that he was saying "your body is a wonderland." Wait. He just thanked Michael McDonald. That explains everything. "Ya Mo Be There." The prosecution rests.
8:52 - Ha! P. was diddled that Eminem won, wasn't he? Who's the lost ponytail dude behind the Em posse? His accountant, perhaps? Bruce White?
8:58 - There's is no way in hell that Stevie Nicks is Queen Latifah's "girl."
8:59 - I'll say it again. The short Dixie Chick is shrinking. Only her hair is growing. What the hell is around the mandolin player's neck?
9:03 - How I love you, Herbie Hancock.
9:05 - Performance = win yet again. Go figure. There really was no chance that Willie was going to win, was there?
9:06 - Ha!!! Elvis did come with Diana Krall. You go, Declan!
9:12 - Nice work, John Leguizamo. Compound mispronouncing Leonard Bernstein's name with some really offensive Jewish impersonations.
9:20 - Quick! Chris Martin from Coldplay's having a seizure!! You do have to love that he still was behind his rickety Yamaha upright in front of the Philharmonic, don't ya?
9:28 - Rod Stewart, a drag queen and a dog. Isn't this an urban legend?
9:29 - There's a world where Robin Williams is actually funny. Unfortunately only he lives there.
9:37 - Well, Doc Watson won but Johnny, Steve Earle, Patti Griffith and the Chieftans lost to fucking Nickle Creek's pop bluegrass. Sigh...
9:45 - Is it possible that the Band-Aid interferes in some way with Nelly's ability to enunciate? You got to hand it to him, though. Anybody who could have a huge hit with this dreck has to know something that I don't.
9:49 - Fred Durst, eloquent diplomat for peace.
9:58 - Robin yet again on his own planet.
10:00 - I love Springsteen, I love "The Rising." All I want to know is when do I get my invite to join the E Street Band. What's he got now? Eight guitarists? Poor Clarence has the horn there but it's just a prop. One of these days I swear Little Steven is just gonna plant a big one on the Boss. Has anybody ever seen Kathy Griffin and Patti in the same place?
I really wanted to see this tour. He's coming back to the area. Three nights at Giants Stadium. I think not...
10:05 - SWEEEEEET hair! I always wondered what was under Erykah Badu's hair wrap thing. I figured that it was her lunch or something. Little did I know...
10:07 - Bruce was robbed, man. "Don't Know Why" is a nice song. It's not Song of the Year caliber. Then again, the fact that Alan Jackson was nominated for his jingoistic theme says volumes about the Grammys.
10:17 - Making fun of Ashanti seems really mean. Only one problem. She sounds awful.
10:20 - Cyndi Lauper still goes to the Grammys? Never give up on your dreams, Cyndi. Time after time...
10:22 - I'm getting delirious and not in a good way...
10:24 - Ed Bradley?! The Bee Gees? 'N Sync? Wow. Now this is a train wreck with teeth!! Justin as Barry! Lance as Robin! Everyone deliciously awful and off key!
10:39 - Em with the Roots. Clearly he's not comfortable fronting a band. This song is so awful. What's his shirt say? Free Yayo? I don't think I even want to know...
10:44 - Oh my god. Oh my god. What's Aretha wrapped up in?
10:47 - Is it just me or was the "you just watch her" comment about Norah creepy?
10:55 - I must be getting really delirious. I'm almost enjoying this Sheryl Crow/Kid Rock disaster.
10:58 - Alicia Keys appears to be going to Keith Richards' hairstylist. Grammy appears to have choosen Norah Jones to have a Santana and Bonnie Raitt-like landslide. Boring twits...
11:02 - Now I'm drinking.
11:08 - I seriously still can't believe that Michael Bloomberg is the major of NYC.
11:09 - I can die happy now. EC. Bruce. "London Calling." I have no words.
Well, that's not entirely true. I have a few words. I always have a few words. I thought EC and the Boss sounded amazing. I thought Dave Grohl was a fine addition. I wanted to put a muzzle firmly in the yap of Little Steven. Talk about out of place. Wait! I just remembered that Pete Thomas was supposed to be on drums but I didn't even notice! Was that him? Crap!
11:24 - EC always looks so uncomfortable presenting, doesn't he? Springsteen better win, damn it.
11:25 - Grammy has no imagination. Seriously. There has to a chosen one every year. Shoulda been Bruce. It was Norah. Boring.
Well, thus ends this little experiment. Hopefully it was at least a bit amusing. Don't count on it happening again. The Grammys suck.
Posted by mikewolf at February 23, 2003 11:27 PMBarely made it through your post ... one word per line? Check that alignment Mikey!
Now, what you said ...
I can only comment on the first hour and the last half-hour. I switched in the middle to see the series finale of Oz. Seems I didn't miss much.
Norah. I like her but is she the talent the Grammys think she is? Sorry.
Aretha. God love her. Does the woman not have a mirror or assistants who can see? Reminded me of the old Carol Burnett spoof of Gone With The Wind.
Eminem. I was pretty impressed with his acceptance speech. He thanked no one associated with the record but instead thanked pioneering DJs who inspired him. His performance was alright but did you think he was reading from a prompter (sp?)? I liked the rock guitars though, they gave some depth to the music.
Simon & Garfunkel. I don't know. Just how exciting can the two of them be? I love the Sound of Silence and they performed it just fine. What the big deal though? It's not the first time they've reformed.
Joe Strummer tribute. This was amazing. Elvis and Dave Grohl carried the song. Bruce however decided that a tribute wasn't enough, he had to imitate. I'd rather heard him sing as himself not try to channel Joe. And yes, that was Pete Thomas on drums.
Posted by: Dennis on February 24, 2003 07:18 AMOh man. This format can't be intentional...you're killing me. I also wrote some Grammy-bits, over on my blog. We came to mostly similar conclusions.
Posted by: deano on February 24, 2003 11:56 AMYeah. Ditto on the formatting. The writing, however? F*cking hilarious.
We watched Polyester this weekend, and I'll be honest with you, when Aretha came on, I was thinking of Divine. Ah well.
Posted by: zeebah on February 24, 2003 04:17 PMWhen the show opened with Hoffman, I asked Donna why he was there, she made some comment about actors being able to speak better than musicians, then of course Dusty says "Bruce Springstreet"
When Aretha came on, I had to call Donna back into the room - "you have to see what Aretha is wearing, I can't describe it"
I took the opportunity to finish cleaning up the dinner dishes while Faith Hill was singing her crappy cry, cry cry some more.
I liked James Taylor's song, but he was nominated for a grammy, why not play one of your new songs?
I happen to like Norah Jones, but I agree, the academy gray hairs played it safe by giving her everything. She's talented, she'll be around awhile, she'll get other chances to win a grammy.
Don't blame you for passing on seeing Bruce at Giants Stadium. I last saw him at the Arena formerly known as Brendan Byrne Arena (now Continental Airways?) in 1989? 1990 or maybe 1991?
He played a killer 3 hour show.
Bowling for Soup is a big band around here. I think that they are pretty good from what I have heard of them (remember I don't get out much). I was verry surprized I thought that they were a local band (who knew! Told you I don't get out much).
Posted by: Christy on February 25, 2003 06:22 AMi so enjoyed your comments. i agreed with several (starting with paul and art), but only slightly disagreed with others, if it matters. what's up with elvis and diana? (was that really her? i didn't recognize her.) i didn't stay up for all, but too long. did you like the made up word fred durst said?
Posted by: kathleen on February 25, 2003 09:38 AM